written by Allyssa Milán
Re-evaluating my priorities. Recognizing for the 5 millionth time that I can only give so much without depleting myself. Trying to be aware of how much time, attention, and energy I give to those who don’t give to me in return. Still learning. Grateful that I am not completely debilitated by anxiety and depression the way I used to be. Wondering if these mental health terms help me better understand myself and my history or make me feel ashamed of my own nature.
Praying for mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellness–for myself and others. Still realizing I have a long road to walk, and that some moments and days and weeks will be more painful than others, but I will be ok–just as I have always been. Forgiving myself for mistakes and broken promises. Trying to move past the guilt I feel not being able to message/email/meet/call/text/respond to all the people who reach out to me.
Remembering how strong I’ve been and how far I’ve come. Trying to be gentle with myself–the way I am with others. Finding that difficult at the moment. Happy to have a couple of people in my life who know when to kick my ass and when to be gentle with me. Wishing more people could learn how to love and care for one another. Remembering that I have a deep inner worth that is unwavering and unaffected by anything I do or don’t do.
Trying to distinguish between what’s actually best for me and what other people want of/for me. Trying really hard to not take on other people’s pain. Somehow still seeing my sensitivity as a gift. Thinking perhaps this is, at least in part, a form of self-preservation. Grateful to have made it thus far. Grateful for people who care. Hoping to attract and receive more wise and nurturing feminine energy in my life. Hoping to attract more money into my life. Still struggling to cultivate a positive relationship with money and to see my own monetary worth. Making progress.
Feeling sad about the state of the world. Hoping to help heal it in the best ways I know how each day. Hoping I am soon able to better support myself so as to write what’s in my soul. Trying to figure out how I can possibly support myself by writing what’s in my soul. Hurting because there’s so much I’m dying to say…
Looking forward to the day I can afford a more ergonomic computer/desk set up to reduce my arm/wrist/hand/finger pain and numbness, which limits what I can do. Regretting the years of typing/writing so much in an unsustainable and unhealthy way.
Remembering that all the countless people who tell me I need to write a book/who ask when my TED talk will happen/who ask when I’ll be running my own non-profit organization/who tell me I’m going to change the world don’t actually see what goes on in my life and mind on a day-to-day basis, and what obstacles I face. Will keep moving in the direction of my dreams anyway, no matter how long it takes.
Breathing. Taking one step, one moment at time. Needing a temporary escape. Needing kindness. Needing an actual, real, let-me-just-cry-here-in-your-arms-for-a-moment-and-not-have-you-think-any-less-of-me kind of hug…